You never said it would be easy....

Hey Yall,
Caitlin here- I must say, I am not even sure how to begin this post, there are so many ways that I want this to come off and so much I want to accomplish with it. I apologize in advance if it seems a bit scatter brained or if you feel it does not adequately cover the topic, but this is a hard topic to cover. I also apologize that this particular post is so long, but I really feel it all needs to be relayed. That being said, have you ever had those moments where you feel like God can't hear you? Where you are in such a deep valley that you can't seem to find a way out? A valley so deep that not even the light ventures down to where you are? Before I continue I want people to know I am not writing this because I am in a valley, I am writing this for those who are in the valley. I have been there, and it is not a fun place to be. There are many different things that can put us into a valley: the death of a family member, a situation where you just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, financial issues, marital issues, the list could go on and on, and then go on some more. I have had my own valleys. My two most recent valleys have involved my job and my car.

On July 8, 2009 I got a call from my job telling me that I had been fired. I was hurt by how it all played out and not sure what I was going to do. Thus began my valley. I began searching for jobs immediately. Within one day I had put in over 40 applications, within a week I had probably put in nearly 80. I figured I would have a job in no time. On top of all of this I had student loans coming due and car problems that kept adding up. The car had one thing after another go wrong and the mechanic couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong with it. About $3000 later everything was fixed, or so I thought, but more on that later.  To make a very long story somewhat short, I started to see a light at the end of my valley in March of 2010, almost a year after I had lost my job. I had found a job near my family in Michigan. The lady seemed very interested in me and had even sent me my schedule. I began packing up my house and told my quiz team of the possibility of me moving. A few days later I got an e-mail saying she had hired someone else. I was devastated and plunged back into my valley. The only difference this time is that  I had a lead on another job, so I was not completely without hope. This job was in Maryland. After researching the company and getting details about the job, I really felt like this was where God wanted me. I truly felt in the bottom of my soul that this was the plan God had for me. I felt so strongly about it that I again began to pack up my house. I was able to arrange a phone interview and thought it had gone really well and they said they wanted to schedule a second interview. This made me very hopeful. When I called to schedule the second interview I found out they had already filled the position and had no other positions available at the moment. On top of this, I was having more car issues, but I was terrified to bring it to the shop because I knew it would be expensive. This plunged me into my darkest valley to date.

I remember going to the local community college for my morning run/walk. I put on Evanescence and began running, and while I ran I just started to cry. I was so lost and confused. To me it almost felt like God was toying with me.  Not only had I not gotten the job that I was sure God wanted me to have, but I had no other prospects or leads on jobs, I had run out of resources on where to look for jobs, and I really felt like I didn't know how to listen to the promptings of the holy spirit. The next week or two were very dark and confusing times. One song that really got me through that time is a song by Tree63 called Blessed Be Your Name. In the song it says "you give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." The song is saying that in the good times and in the bad times it is my choice to worship the Lord. Even though I was singing it through tears I meant with all of my heart that even though it was a bad time I was still going to praise Him. I felt like God had taken away from me the job I was suppose to have, and I didn't understand why, but even still, I was going to praise His name. Finally, July 2010 came around, a full year and week after I had lost my job I got a call back from the company in Maryland. They unexpectedly had an opening and wanted to do a second interview. As all of you can probably figure out, I got the job. I was elated. I finally saw the end of my valley, or mostly at least.

Now I had the stress of moving and having to get my car fixed before I made the 16 hour drive. God worked that all out as well and provided the money for me to move. This in return caused a whole other valley. As soon as I moved here I got attacked by Satan. I felt lonely, I was having problems getting my car registered, I was having problems at work, I couldn't find a church that I liked- everything was just going wrong. Again I looked to the song Blessed Be Your Name, and again, God worked it all out. All of that has been said to bring you up to now. I got a notice in the mail from the maryland vehicle administration saying that I needed to get my car tested for emissions. Needless to say, I was having even more car problems and could not get it tested. I then went to take it to get the oil changed. While there I got a list of parts that needed to be replaced- and all of them were legitimate needs. The total? $3000 and some change. I sat in the waiting room trying to decide what to do and God brought another song to my heart. The song is called "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. I had not thought of this song in years, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. The lyrics are as follows:

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

CHORUS:
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to. 

Cause when I cross over Jordan  

I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna shout  

I'm gonna look into your eyes and see 

You never let me down  

so take me on the pathway 

that leads me home to you 

and I will walk through the valley 

if you want me to.  

Yes I will walk through the valley 

If you want me to.  

What a song! I played that song over and over while sitting in that waiting room. I told God that I didn't understand why I kept having so many problems with my car. I love my car, it has been my favorite car yet, and God knows I don't want to get rid of it. God also knows of my desire to go onto the mission field. I do not want to take all of that money to fix a car that will keep breaking when I could use that money to pay off my student loans. Nor do I want to take out a loan for another car. Thus, while sitting in that waiting room I told God that I would sell my car, if he wanted me to. I refused to go back into a valley over my beloved car. I may not want to sell my car, but if that is the path God has for me, then I will take it.  

My favorite line from the song is this: I will remember the suffering your love put you through and I will walk through the darkness if you want me to.  

I know that maybe right now is a valley time for you. Maybe the pathway you are on is broken and you don't know why God has allowed to happen everything that is going on right now. God never promised us it would be easy- but he did promise us that He would never leave us nor forsake us. He also promised us "lo I am with you always"- even in the valley. Just remember, God loves you, and he is in control. He has a plan for you. Although you may not understand it, God does. Remember His love for you. It makes no sense that God would come to this earth and become human for us. Then on top of that he would make the ultimate sacrifice and give himself up for us. God gave up his son so that we could be with him. God has a plan, and it may not make any sense. What I pray for you is that you are will tell God that you are willing to go through the valley, and through the darkness, and even the fire if God wants you to. Remember, fire isn't always a bad thing. It does more than just burn,destroy, and leave things in ruin. It refines- burns out the dross and brings forth the gold. Fire also can reforge that which has been broken. At this moment your trial may seem like a fire that only destroys, but it could be a fire that is refining you into who God wants you to be. It may seem like your valley has no end, but trust me when I say this- it came to pass. You will eventually climb out of that valley. In the mean time seek God and be willing to do what he says. Turn to him as your strength and as your refuge. Read Psalm 27. God shows that even in the valley he is with us. Not only is he with us, but if you keep reading David goes on to say that he is confident he will see the goodness of God. In other words remain faithful, seek God, and you will see an end to your valley and there will be joy on your lips. God has a reason and purpose for everything, even if it does not make sense to us. Just stay on the path God has for you- even if it leads through valleys. I pray that Ginny's song helps you get through your valley as it has helped get me through mine. If you would like to listen to the song here is a link: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMKp4g_ZrGk&feature=related 

With a broken heart for the hurting, 

Caitlin